1
00:00:08,241 --> 00:00:11,540
We've got him, Hope.
Elliot's lined up the proxies,
2
00:00:11,611 --> 00:00:13,511
I've talked to
our biggest clients.
3
00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:16,610
They're all as fed up
with Miles as we are.
4
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:19,413
So, you're going to force Miles
out of the agency he created,
5
00:00:19,486 --> 00:00:20,976
that he built up
from nothing?
6
00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:22,612
He's changed.
7
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,987
His methods are manipulative
and unproductive.
8
00:00:25,759 --> 00:00:27,556
(LAUGHS) It's like
working for Mussolini.
9
00:00:27,627 --> 00:00:30,721
But Miles gave you a job
when we were starving.
10
00:00:31,598 --> 00:00:34,158
Do you think I don't know that? Hmm?
11
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:39,563
Hmm? The thought of it haunts
me every minute of the day.
12
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:44,173
Only it's him or me.
13
00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:47,140
I don't think it's Miles that's changed.
14
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,322
(SIGHS)
15
00:01:03,430 --> 00:01:05,523
Maybe I have changed.
16
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:11,859
(EXCLAIMING) My God, am
I turning into my father?
17
00:01:26,453 --> 00:01:28,045
HOPE: Off with his head!
18
00:01:28,121 --> 00:01:32,217
Go ahead, make jokes. It's
not as if we didn't warn Miles.
19
00:01:33,326 --> 00:01:36,762
My tarts!
Who stole my tarts?
20
00:01:37,330 --> 00:01:38,456
Who?
21
00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:44,426
Was it you?
Off with his head!
22
00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:45,835
This isn't funny, Hope.
23
00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:47,202
(SCREAMS)
24
00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:51,905
My tarts.
25
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:08,758
I just think that you owe Miles a little
more than cutting him off at the knees.
26
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,529
(SCREAMING)
27
00:03:17,964 --> 00:03:20,262
Ten years of research,
three years of writing,
28
00:03:20,333 --> 00:03:22,858
a third of my life
went into this book,
29
00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:24,494
and now finally
it's finished.
30
00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:27,233
I'm sure it will be worth
every minute you spent on it.
31
00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:30,003
I'll say. This is
my ticket to tenure.
32
00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:32,010
We're so very
proud of you.
33
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,170
I can't wait to
read it.
34
00:03:35,248 --> 00:03:37,239
I hope it's better
than the last one.
35
00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:41,913
Stuff it, you old hag.
It was a damn fine book.
36
00:03:42,589 --> 00:03:44,580
It's why I came to
England in the first place.
37
00:03:44,657 --> 00:03:46,557
It was as dull
as dishwater.
38
00:03:46,626 --> 00:03:49,459
But it landed me the job at the university,
which is just what I wrote it for.
39
00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:53,090
Put me to sleep quicker than
all those little green pills.
40
00:03:53,933 --> 00:03:57,699
"Chelsea Yuppie Hacks Hubby.
41
00:03:57,770 --> 00:04:01,866
"Alice In Wonderland Possessed
Me." Now, that's writing.
42
00:04:02,642 --> 00:04:04,269
You know, your book
changed my life.
43
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:07,074
I read the first chapter,
and I switched majors.
44
00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:09,546
Well, I hope it's got a
couple of juicy murders in it.
45
00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:11,743
And a bit of steamy sex
wouldn't hurt, either.
46
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:13,012
Ooh, let's see.
47
00:04:15,822 --> 00:04:18,017
"Fright and Fraud:
48
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:22,994
"Ethno-biocentric
Morphogenesis
49
00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:25,292
"of the Mephisto Fallacy."
50
00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:28,562
I doubt it.
Catchy title.
51
00:04:29,736 --> 00:04:31,727
I'm sure it's
a cracking good read.
52
00:04:31,804 --> 00:04:33,897
Academics don't want
a cracking good read, Dad.
53
00:04:33,973 --> 00:04:36,339
They want dull,
stuffy, pompous books.
54
00:04:36,409 --> 00:04:38,274
And you're just the man
to give it to them.
55
00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:40,175
A couple of jokes
might help.
56
00:04:40,713 --> 00:04:42,340
I think it sounds
fascinating.
57
00:04:42,415 --> 00:04:43,939
Well, I thank you all
for your interest.
58
00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:47,111
Randi, you can have the privilege
of being the first person to read it.
59
00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:48,653
And probably the last.
60
00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:51,121
How can you expect a publicist
to be excited about your book
61
00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:52,452
when you're
so bored by it?
62
00:04:52,525 --> 00:04:56,484
Because every university library
is run by a committee of professors,
63
00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:58,621
all writing duller books
than mine.
64
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:03,033
And every member of every committee
gets to vote for every book,
65
00:05:03,102 --> 00:05:06,469
so that when their own ghastly
dissertations are finally published,
66
00:05:06,539 --> 00:05:08,200
everyone else buys them.
67
00:05:08,274 --> 00:05:10,538
Oh.
How can you be so cynical?
68
00:05:10,843 --> 00:05:12,140
Welcome to academia.
69
00:05:22,021 --> 00:05:23,511
IAN: What do you mean,
it won't sell?
70
00:05:23,589 --> 00:05:26,023
It's a doorstop.
A lead weight.
71
00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:27,753
A commercial
suicide pill.
72
00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:30,523
This book fills
a vacuum in the field.
73
00:05:30,596 --> 00:05:32,461
It exposes the mythological
foundations of...
74
00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:33,863
Snooze.
75
00:05:36,202 --> 00:05:37,692
It's exactly
what you publish.
76
00:05:37,770 --> 00:05:39,135
Published.
77
00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:42,733
This is what
we publish now.
78
00:05:44,043 --> 00:05:47,740
We want scorching,
we want commercial.
79
00:05:50,817 --> 00:05:52,182
Like this.
80
00:05:52,518 --> 00:05:56,511
Slob Dog is phenomenal. It's going
to be a major publishing event.
81
00:05:58,057 --> 00:06:00,787
Cuts across all
demographic lines.
82
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:03,693
Kids cuddle him, adults
think he's a riot.
83
00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:10,229
What about Trident
Publishing's 50-year commitment
84
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:11,827
to academic publications?
85
00:06:11,904 --> 00:06:14,338
Bankrupt, right along with
the rest of the division.
86
00:06:14,407 --> 00:06:18,639
Which is why it's been acquired,
and acquired for peanuts,
87
00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:21,305
by Triax Multi-Products
International.
88
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,042
But I have a contract.
89
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:31,215
There. Invest it wisely.
90
00:06:32,091 --> 00:06:33,991
I recommend
Triax stock.
91
00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:40,323
Surely someone appreciates
the need for academic books,
92
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,732
the need to educate
as well as entertain.
93
00:06:42,802 --> 00:06:47,068
Some guy, uh,
Ganza's Antiquarian Books,
94
00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:50,439
sent that to Dave McDonnell,
the new president of the company.
95
00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:53,035
When he saw it wasn't porno,
he tossed it in the trash.
96
00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:56,946
I dug it out, 'cause I thought
it would look classy on my desk.
97
00:06:59,786 --> 00:07:01,777
This money is
meaningless to me.
98
00:07:02,488 --> 00:07:07,255
I want to educate, to illuminate, to
explore the boundaries of my field.
99
00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:12,295
My career is
riding on this.
100
00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:15,697
A professor's reputation is
built on his published works.
101
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:18,328
If you don't publish,
you perish.
102
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,737
All right,
I'll make you a deal.
103
00:07:22,642 --> 00:07:25,042
But you've gotta
meet me halfway.
104
00:07:25,411 --> 00:07:27,777
Now, this, uh,
mythological stuff,
105
00:07:27,847 --> 00:07:32,147
what it comes down to is monsters,
ghosts, blood and gore, right?
106
00:07:32,218 --> 00:07:34,448
(SCOFFS) If you look at it
superficially, yes, but...
107
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,351
If you look
at it commercially,
108
00:07:36,422 --> 00:07:40,085
which is how you better start looking
at things if you want to get published.
109
00:07:40,159 --> 00:07:43,151
Now, horror
is hot, hot, hot.
110
00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:45,060
Stephen King,
literary giant.
111
00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:48,032
Appeal to that crowd,
you got a winner.
112
00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:49,700
Now, give me
lots of blood,
113
00:07:49,769 --> 00:07:52,431
lots of italics,
some sizzle.
114
00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:56,601
Juicy murders, steamy
sex, a couple of jokes?
115
00:07:56,676 --> 00:07:59,839
You got it! Jazz it up.
I knew you'd understand.
116
00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:06,574
I'd change the title
if I were you.
117
00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:12,955
(SIGHS)
118
00:08:14,293 --> 00:08:16,591
You share the tastes
of the common reader.
119
00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:18,527
Maybe you could help me.
120
00:08:18,598 --> 00:08:19,860
I'll try.
121
00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:22,560
How would Stephen King
say this?
122
00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:27,034
"As the interstitial
matrices of good and evil
123
00:08:27,106 --> 00:08:30,234
"blend towards the unity
of Ur Mephistopheles,
124
00:08:30,309 --> 00:08:33,437
"they transcend the nature
of the Faust legend."
125
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,481
Hmm. Let me think.
126
00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:38,544
How about,
127
00:08:38,618 --> 00:08:41,587
"Blood dripped
from her naked body
128
00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:43,952
"and spread
across the crypt,
129
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:46,321
"her once lovely features
130
00:08:46,392 --> 00:08:48,826
"hideously deformed
by the rictus of death."
131
00:08:48,895 --> 00:08:49,987
Sorry.
132
00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:51,824
It's useless.
133
00:08:51,898 --> 00:08:53,229
(DOOR OPENING)
134
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:56,426
(GASPING) We got
stuck in traffic.
135
00:08:56,502 --> 00:08:58,493
I didn't think we'd
make it back in time!
136
00:08:58,571 --> 00:09:00,061
Since when has
there been a curfew?
137
00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:02,664
Hey, Professor, we got you
some real books this time.
138
00:09:02,742 --> 00:09:03,902
Check this out.
139
00:09:03,976 --> 00:09:05,500
"River of Molten Blood."
140
00:09:05,578 --> 00:09:06,670
(GROWLING)
141
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:08,441
"Bloodbath Day Camp
for Girls?"
142
00:09:08,514 --> 00:09:09,572
What's this?
143
00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:10,980
Your audience.
144
00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:12,039
Are you all right?
145
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:13,142
(SNARLING)
146
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:16,620
(PANTING) Yes, yes. I'm
just a little out of shape.
147
00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:21,353
I think I'll go downstairs
and relax for a little while.
148
00:09:21,427 --> 00:09:24,055
The cellar.
My audience is students,
149
00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:26,030
scholars and researchers.
150
00:09:26,098 --> 00:09:29,295
Not to mention heads of department
of the world's finest universities.
151
00:09:29,368 --> 00:09:31,893
But that doesn't mean that
your books need be boring.
152
00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:33,563
It certainly does.
153
00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:35,004
(SCREAMING)
154
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,971
I feel strongly
about this.
155
00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:39,068
No kidding.
156
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:41,807
If it upsets you,
imagine how I feel about...
157
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:43,675
(GRUNTING)
158
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:46,149
Oh. Oh, my.
159
00:09:46,919 --> 00:09:48,682
Perhaps we can discuss
this another time.
160
00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:49,846
(PANTING)
161
00:09:49,922 --> 00:09:52,857
When we talk about literature,
she gets the animal in her.
162
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:57,293
Americans.
163
00:09:58,097 --> 00:09:59,155
Uh-huh.
164
00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:02,834
Oh, God. Oh!
165
00:10:02,902 --> 00:10:05,735
I just don't understand
how to write commercially.
166
00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:06,931
You can do it.
167
00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:08,405
(SCREAMING)
168
00:10:08,874 --> 00:10:10,068
God!
169
00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:11,439
(PANTING)
170
00:10:14,413 --> 00:10:15,744
(RANDI SCREAMING)
171
00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:16,873
ELSA: Lan!
172
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:18,041
(PANTING)
173
00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:22,019
I am a scholar, therefore
I write scholarly books.
174
00:10:22,421 --> 00:10:24,855
I can't write
like Stephen King.
175
00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:27,822
Yes, you can. Just write
about what you know.
176
00:10:27,893 --> 00:10:28,917
What do you think
I've been doing?
177
00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:31,190
You've been writing
about what you knew.
178
00:10:34,233 --> 00:10:36,827
You can't hide
in folklore,
179
00:10:36,902 --> 00:10:39,427
fiction and myths
any longer.
180
00:10:39,505 --> 00:10:40,563
We both know
they're real.
181
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,005
Some of it.
182
00:10:42,441 --> 00:10:43,465
A lot of it.
183
00:10:43,542 --> 00:10:44,668
Maybe.
184
00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:49,841
Face what I am.
Face what it means.
185
00:10:50,449 --> 00:10:52,280
I have.
186
00:10:52,351 --> 00:10:53,716
(GASPING)
187
00:10:54,453 --> 00:10:58,947
Sometimes...
I like it. Oh!
188
00:10:59,058 --> 00:11:00,457
(GRUNTING)
189
00:11:01,894 --> 00:11:04,988
I need you on my side.
190
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,058
Or else I could
just give in to it.
191
00:11:12,071 --> 00:11:16,735
Oh! Go, go!
192
00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:18,208
(GROANING)
193
00:11:23,215 --> 00:11:24,409
(GROWLING)
194
00:11:36,395 --> 00:11:37,692
Randi.
195
00:11:37,763 --> 00:11:39,094
(GROWLING)
196
00:11:40,599 --> 00:11:41,861
(SIGHING)
197
00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:59,015
And we project the
Slob Dog calendar alone
198
00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:00,552
can boost the
November sales
199
00:12:00,619 --> 00:12:05,215
in your stores overall by
as much as five percent.
200
00:12:06,692 --> 00:12:10,526
But combine that with a
multimedia push all across the UK,
201
00:12:10,596 --> 00:12:14,623
and the December publication
of the Slob Dog paperback line,
202
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:18,192
we anticipate a fourth
quarter sales increase
203
00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:21,137
totaling as much
as ten percent.
204
00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:25,934
Now, exactly how big
should the campaign be?
205
00:12:26,011 --> 00:12:28,502
How many advertising
dollars are there
206
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:31,277
compared to the number
of books being shipped?
207
00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:33,545
That's a very good question.
208
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,679
Mel.
209
00:12:37,623 --> 00:12:39,989
I'll leave you
to field that one.
210
00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:46,392
Mel?
211
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:04,009
We are waiting, Mel.
212
00:13:06,385 --> 00:13:08,250
I left those figures
on my desk.
213
00:13:14,493 --> 00:13:16,358
I'll only be a moment.
214
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:20,596
So much for his bonus.
215
00:13:20,666 --> 00:13:22,327
(ALL LAUGHING)
216
00:13:41,287 --> 00:13:42,982
And I'm sure that you'll
find the figures quite...
217
00:13:43,055 --> 00:13:47,389
Aye, breach your last
to the sun, Moby Dick!
218
00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:50,690
Thy hour and thy harpoon are at hand!
219
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:58,500
That bonus thing, it was
just my idea of a joke.
220
00:13:58,571 --> 00:13:59,765
A bad joke.
221
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:04,299
Towards thee I roll, thou
all-destroying and un-conquering whale.
222
00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:07,106
To the last
I grapple with thee!
223
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:11,377
A bad joke.
A very, very bad joke.
224
00:14:11,450 --> 00:14:14,544
From hell's heart,
I stab at thee.
225
00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:18,989
For hate's sake, I spit
my last breath at thee!
226
00:14:19,058 --> 00:14:20,116
(GROANS)
227
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:21,216
(EXCLAIMS)
228
00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:26,122
Ho, ho!
229
00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:29,429
From all your furthest
bounds, pour ye now in,
230
00:14:29,501 --> 00:14:33,961
ye bold billows of
my whole forgone life,
231
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:40,503
and top this one piled
comber of my death!
232
00:14:40,579 --> 00:14:41,978
(SCREAMING)
233
00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:43,707
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
234
00:14:43,782 --> 00:14:45,113
(CRASHING)
235
00:14:55,027 --> 00:14:57,655
I can't believe what
the world is coming to.
236
00:14:58,297 --> 00:15:02,996
Some nutball harpooned his boss,
and then leapt out of a building.
237
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:08,036
"Peg-leg Psycho Spears Boss,
Leaps, and Goes Splat!"
238
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,839
How can you throw
away good money
239
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:16,473
on that salacious, libelous,
irresponsible drivel?
240
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:19,346
It's no different
from that stuffy rag.
241
00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:23,320
This is a respectable newspaper,
not like that twaddle you read.
242
00:15:23,522 --> 00:15:26,389
It's all the same twaddle,
it's only different headlines.
243
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:29,694
You should be contributing
to the financial welfare
244
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:33,596
of this household, not
supporting rumormongers.
245
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:36,829
You guys aren't going to believe this
wacko story I just heard on the radio.
246
00:15:36,902 --> 00:15:38,096
Oh, shut up!
247
00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:39,194
What did you hear?
248
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:41,535
You, too? I'm sorry
I brought it up.
249
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:43,370
Brought what up?
250
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:46,343
"The booksellers
watched, horrified,
251
00:15:46,412 --> 00:15:50,007
"as the man dressed
as a sea captain
252
00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:54,382
"impaled the publisher
with a harpoon."
253
00:15:55,721 --> 00:15:59,282
"Then the drooling, psychopathic
lunatic jumped out the window,
254
00:15:59,358 --> 00:16:02,657
"plunged screaming
to his death below."
255
00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:05,890
Oh, my God!
256
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,728
Lose your appetite?
257
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:09,731
Lost my publisher.
258
00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:18,065
IAN: I can't believe it.
He seemed so... So centered.
259
00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:20,703
Ah, self-centered,
you mean.
260
00:16:20,779 --> 00:16:22,747
I don't mean to
speak ill of the dead,
261
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:26,512
but I worked for him for two years, and
he never even bothered to learn my name.
262
00:16:26,585 --> 00:16:28,678
Is that why you cleaned
out his office so fast?
263
00:16:28,754 --> 00:16:31,951
Publishing is a high-pressure,
cutthroat business.
264
00:16:32,424 --> 00:16:35,086
One moment you're
an executive secretary,
265
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,492
the next minute
you're an editor.
266
00:16:37,863 --> 00:16:43,859
You either bear up under the pressure,
or you crack, like poor, sweet Mel.
267
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:45,895
(SIGHING)
268
00:16:45,971 --> 00:16:48,439
I've always wanted
a window office.
269
00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:49,968
Congratulations.
270
00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:54,308
There's an old saying, out
of tragedy comes opportunity.
271
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:55,847
Life goes on.
272
00:16:57,416 --> 00:16:58,474
No rest for
the wicked.
273
00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:00,017
Exactly.
274
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,051
Oh, I know I'll
be a good editor.
275
00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:05,852
I thrive under pressure,
I'm great with people,
276
00:17:05,924 --> 00:17:08,188
and I'm steeped
in the classics.
277
00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:11,759
I've read every word Jackie
Collins has ever written.
278
00:17:11,997 --> 00:17:13,021
(GROANS)
279
00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:14,793
One of the greats.
280
00:17:15,434 --> 00:17:16,594
God!
281
00:17:17,136 --> 00:17:20,469
They couldn't have found
a better person for the job.
282
00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,370
Thank you, Professor.
283
00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:27,140
Someone insightful, creative,
willing to take chances.
284
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:30,272
A corporate rebel.
A woman with a vision.
285
00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:33,079
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
286
00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:36,751
Which, coincidentally, brings
me to another fine book,
287
00:17:36,822 --> 00:17:38,016
written by myself.
288
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:41,184
Oh, make an appointment with
my secretary, Miss, uh...
289
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:43,990
Miss What's -her-name,
and we'll talk.
290
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,496
Thank you
so much.
291
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:46,861
Oh, wait.
292
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:51,903
Mel would have wanted
you to have this.
293
00:17:52,337 --> 00:17:55,500
You're the only one around here
who'd want to read it, anyway.
294
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:57,371
So thoughtful
of you.
295
00:18:02,681 --> 00:18:05,809
IAN: You know, there'll never
be another like Mel Berger.
296
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:08,486
He believed so greatly
in literature
297
00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:13,253
that when forced to publish
inane drivel, he went mad.
298
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,291
That's an editor.
299
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:18,521
That's a crock.
300
00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:21,498
Look, no matter how upset
he was about axing your book,
301
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:25,128
there's no way that harpoon was
a product of his imagination.
302
00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:28,605
I mean, to say nothing of the salt water
that he was dripping all over the carpet.
303
00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:30,039
I suppose this is
where you tell me
304
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:33,601
that Mel Berger was actually possessed
by the spirit of Captain Ahab.
305
00:18:33,679 --> 00:18:36,375
Right. And this is where you tell
me that this is the real world,
306
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:37,915
and such things
don't happen.
307
00:18:37,983 --> 00:18:40,781
Right. And then you remind me
that you turn into a wild beast
308
00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:42,252
every time
there's a full moon,
309
00:18:42,321 --> 00:18:44,221
and that doesn't happen
in the real world, either.
310
00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:45,313
But I do.
311
00:18:45,390 --> 00:18:46,584
I know.
312
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,155
What are you
looking for?
313
00:18:50,729 --> 00:18:55,530
"Chelsea Yuppie Hacks Hubby, Says
Alice in Wonderland Possessed Me."
314
00:18:56,034 --> 00:18:57,592
Don't you see?
315
00:18:57,669 --> 00:18:58,966
There are two murders
in one week,
316
00:18:59,037 --> 00:19:01,130
and both are committed by
characters from literature.
317
00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:02,537
Wonderful!
318
00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:05,669
When Lady Chatterley arrives,
send her over to my place.
319
00:19:05,744 --> 00:19:07,769
Look, we've got to
do something.
320
00:19:07,846 --> 00:19:09,404
Like what?
321
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:11,608
Like talk to
the Chelsea Yuppie.
322
00:19:11,683 --> 00:19:14,049
Visiting hours are in 30
minutes, and you're driving.
323
00:19:14,119 --> 00:19:15,211
Randi!
324
00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:19,889
RANDl: Just hear her out,
and try to understand her.
325
00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:22,222
I understand her perfectly.
She's an axe murderer.
326
00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:23,625
You're not being
very constructive.
327
00:19:23,695 --> 00:19:26,129
Shall I advise her
on her backhand?
328
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,931
I wasn't
expecting visitors.
329
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:38,238
We read about you
in the paper.
330
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,438
We think that maybe we can help you.
331
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:45,176
Really? Can you
bring Michael back?
332
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:49,245
Can you give me the life
I had before I snapped?
333
00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:55,693
I know how you feel.
334
00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:57,228
How can you?
335
00:19:57,963 --> 00:20:02,263
One minute I'm normal,
standing in my kitchen,
336
00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:04,131
and the next I'm
on this vast lawn,
337
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:07,468
with all these weird people
standing all around me.
338
00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:09,673
They looked like
playing cards.
339
00:20:09,741 --> 00:20:11,140
IAN: Playing cards?
340
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,178
And we were
playing golf.
341
00:20:14,513 --> 00:20:17,641
But instead of clubs,
we were using giant birds.
342
00:20:18,517 --> 00:20:20,109
And they were
twisting around, and...
343
00:20:20,185 --> 00:20:21,516
(COUGHING)
344
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:28,121
You weren't playing golf, you were playing
croquet, using flamingos as mallets.
345
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,855
How could you
possibly know?
346
00:20:30,929 --> 00:20:33,363
I've read
Alice In Wonderland.
347
00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:36,765
Of course. Right before
the Queen of Hearts
348
00:20:36,835 --> 00:20:39,099
discovers that the Knave
of Hearts stole her tarts.
349
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:41,401
And demand that
he be beheaded.
350
00:20:42,474 --> 00:20:44,408
Surely you remember
the passage.
351
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:45,936
I haven't read it.
352
00:20:46,011 --> 00:20:48,445
The police found a copy of Alice
In Wonderland in your house.
353
00:20:49,548 --> 00:20:50,742
By your husband's body.
354
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:53,444
It was a gift from
this dotty old man.
355
00:20:54,353 --> 00:20:57,049
I went into his bookshop looking
for the new Sidney Sheldon,
356
00:20:57,122 --> 00:20:59,147
and he was so embarrassed
that he didn't have it
357
00:20:59,224 --> 00:21:02,091
that he gave me this
dusty, old book for nothing.
358
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:03,855
Do you remember
the name of the shop?
359
00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:05,794
How could I forget it?
360
00:21:06,898 --> 00:21:10,095
He read about me in the
paper, and he sent me this.
361
00:21:12,971 --> 00:21:14,734
(HOPE COUGHING)
362
00:21:15,307 --> 00:21:18,242
"Courtesy of Ganza
Antiquarian Books."
363
00:21:23,649 --> 00:21:26,914
Call the Infirmary at once.
We've got an emergency.
364
00:21:31,089 --> 00:21:32,556
How odd.
365
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:34,820
It's probably
just a bad cold.
366
00:21:34,893 --> 00:21:36,224
It's going around,
you know.
367
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:38,092
No, I mean this.
368
00:21:38,163 --> 00:21:40,222
Mel Berger's copy of
Moby Dick also came
369
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,790
courtesy of
Ganza Antiquarian Books.
370
00:21:44,870 --> 00:21:46,132
Let's go.
371
00:21:59,951 --> 00:22:03,148
(SIGHING) Right.
I'll handle this.
372
00:22:04,389 --> 00:22:06,050
Take no prisoners.
373
00:22:24,543 --> 00:22:25,567
May I help you?
374
00:22:25,644 --> 00:22:26,872
Yes. We are
looking for...
375
00:22:26,945 --> 00:22:30,938
A leather-bound copy of Moby
Dick, or maybe Alice In Wonderland.
376
00:22:32,718 --> 00:22:33,912
Browse.
377
00:22:38,657 --> 00:22:42,218
Actually, uh, we had a few
questions we wanted to ask you.
378
00:22:42,794 --> 00:22:45,092
Only if I can ask
you one first.
379
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:47,264
Aren't you
Dr. Lan Matheson,
380
00:22:47,332 --> 00:22:50,563
author of The Face of Fear:
Monsters in the Age of Reason?
381
00:22:50,635 --> 00:22:52,125
Why, yes, I am.
382
00:22:52,504 --> 00:22:54,028
(WHISPERING)
Oh, God.
383
00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:56,939
A ground-breaking text.
384
00:22:59,411 --> 00:23:04,246
The first that advocated a postmodern
approach to the analysis of evil,
385
00:23:04,316 --> 00:23:06,876
as it appears in cultural
myths, icons and legends.
386
00:23:06,952 --> 00:23:08,180
That's the one!
387
00:23:08,253 --> 00:23:09,618
A pleasure.
388
00:23:09,921 --> 00:23:11,889
You liked it?
Oh, I loved it.
389
00:23:11,957 --> 00:23:13,982
It was utterly
fascinating.
390
00:23:14,626 --> 00:23:17,026
I learned quite a bit,
I must say.
391
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:23,091
Have you given much thought to untangling
the morphogenesis of the Mephisto fallacy?
392
00:23:24,336 --> 00:23:27,305
Why, yes, as a matter
of fact, I have.
393
00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:30,774
I've just finished
a ground-breaking work
394
00:23:30,842 --> 00:23:35,006
that deconstructs the underpinnings
of the Mephisto fallacy
395
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,674
from an ethno-biocentric
perspective.
396
00:23:37,749 --> 00:23:41,116
I feel it should
be quite provocative.
397
00:23:41,186 --> 00:23:42,676
I could talk about
your work all day,
398
00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:46,121
but I don't suppose that's
the reason you came in here.
399
00:23:46,191 --> 00:23:50,651
It isn't? Oh, right. Well,
it was nothing important.
400
00:23:50,729 --> 00:23:53,493
Now that I've met you, I'm
embarrassed even to ask.
401
00:23:53,565 --> 00:23:56,295
You must mean the
Alice In Wonderland killing.
402
00:23:56,368 --> 00:23:59,531
Or the Moby Dick
murder-suicide.
403
00:23:59,604 --> 00:24:03,563
Well, it's no secret. Both
those books came from this store.
404
00:24:03,642 --> 00:24:05,041
You don't say.
405
00:24:05,110 --> 00:24:07,340
A morbid,
shocking coincidence.
406
00:24:07,412 --> 00:24:08,811
Yes, isn't it?
407
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,576
Literature has a hard enough
time surviving in today's world
408
00:24:11,650 --> 00:24:13,641
without being blamed
for murders on top of it.
409
00:24:13,718 --> 00:24:17,848
It's true. My editor called
Stephen King a literary giant,
410
00:24:17,923 --> 00:24:20,892
and dismissed Melville's Moby
Dick as an attractive paperweight.
411
00:24:20,959 --> 00:24:24,690
What has happened to fine
literature, to academic publishing?
412
00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:38,041
Mind you, there is a certain
delicious irony in these killings.
413
00:24:38,710 --> 00:24:42,703
The big bookstore chains, the
conglomerates who buy publishers,
414
00:24:42,781 --> 00:24:45,249
none of them care
about literature.
415
00:24:45,317 --> 00:24:49,048
All they want is
blood, guts and sex.
416
00:24:50,188 --> 00:24:53,214
And now literature is
becoming associated with it.
417
00:24:53,291 --> 00:24:55,521
Maybe it will
even boost sales.
418
00:24:56,194 --> 00:24:58,025
It won't matter
if it does.
419
00:24:58,096 --> 00:25:00,462
Chaps like me are
being squeezed out.
420
00:25:00,532 --> 00:25:03,695
Soon there'll be no room
for the likes of me
421
00:25:03,768 --> 00:25:07,033
or the likes of Shakespeare,
Tolstoy, Dickens...
422
00:25:07,105 --> 00:25:09,005
Proust, Flaubert...
423
00:25:09,074 --> 00:25:10,473
Or Matheson.
424
00:25:12,143 --> 00:25:13,735
Explain this.
425
00:25:14,379 --> 00:25:17,143
It's a book, dear.
You read them.
426
00:25:17,649 --> 00:25:19,549
She's from Los Angeles.
427
00:25:19,951 --> 00:25:23,318
This book just jumped
off the shelf at me.
428
00:25:23,388 --> 00:25:27,256
I can see what you mean.
It's a beautiful binding.
429
00:25:27,859 --> 00:25:30,589
Anna Karenina, no wonder!
One of my all-time favorites.
430
00:25:30,662 --> 00:25:31,720
We'll take it.
431
00:25:31,796 --> 00:25:34,128
We will not.
This book is...
432
00:25:34,199 --> 00:25:38,602
As rich in human drama as it is
in devastating social criticism.
433
00:25:38,670 --> 00:25:40,365
What does she
owe you for it?
434
00:25:40,438 --> 00:25:43,464
I couldn't sell it.
Not to her.
435
00:25:43,542 --> 00:25:45,772
Believe me,
she'll treasure it.
436
00:25:47,279 --> 00:25:50,339
These books are killing
people, and I want to know why.
437
00:25:50,415 --> 00:25:53,873
I'm sorry you can believe such a
terrible thing about such beautiful books.
438
00:25:53,952 --> 00:25:55,385
Literature never
hurt anyone.
439
00:25:55,453 --> 00:25:57,387
It can only make the
world a better place.
440
00:25:57,455 --> 00:26:01,858
I insist you sell us this
book. Randi must have it.
441
00:26:01,927 --> 00:26:03,121
(MOUTHING) What?
442
00:26:04,329 --> 00:26:09,790
I suppose she must.
That'll be fifty pounds.
443
00:26:11,436 --> 00:26:12,835
Pay the man.
444
00:26:28,987 --> 00:26:30,079
Thank you so much
for your help.
445
00:26:30,155 --> 00:26:33,022
My pleasure, Doctor.
Come back any time.
446
00:26:41,366 --> 00:26:43,527
This book is haunted.
447
00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:45,695
Yes, it certainly
looks that way.
448
00:26:45,770 --> 00:26:47,533
Shall you exorcise it,
or shall I?
449
00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:50,439
Go ahead, joke. But this
book could kill me, you know.
450
00:26:50,508 --> 00:26:53,841
If you can stand my books, I'm sure
you can survive classic literature.
451
00:26:53,912 --> 00:26:55,504
That old man
is hiding something.
452
00:26:55,580 --> 00:26:59,539
Yes, the last refuge of
classic literature in London.
453
00:26:59,618 --> 00:27:02,280
He should be applauded,
not persecuted.
454
00:27:12,163 --> 00:27:13,528
Come along, Randi.
455
00:27:13,598 --> 00:27:16,226
I don't want to
torment you any longer.
456
00:27:17,135 --> 00:27:20,332
Don't you think you are
exaggerating just a bit?
457
00:27:20,739 --> 00:27:22,570
I shall set you free.
458
00:27:23,174 --> 00:27:24,436
Randi.
459
00:27:26,111 --> 00:27:28,136
Randi? Wait!
460
00:27:29,314 --> 00:27:31,214
Randi, wait.
461
00:27:32,117 --> 00:27:34,881
Who am I?
An immoral woman.
462
00:27:34,953 --> 00:27:36,944
A millstone
around your neck.
463
00:27:37,022 --> 00:27:40,253
Honestly, you're not
that bad. Randi, wait.
464
00:27:42,894 --> 00:27:44,521
Where did you
get that dress?
465
00:27:44,596 --> 00:27:50,159
Why did I not die? Karenin
in shame, in disgrace.
466
00:27:50,235 --> 00:27:55,195
My own death. Death
will wipe out everything.
467
00:27:57,475 --> 00:27:58,703
Karenin?
468
00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:05,376
To die.
469
00:28:06,117 --> 00:28:07,709
Anna Karenina.
470
00:28:10,088 --> 00:28:11,282
Randi!
471
00:28:12,123 --> 00:28:14,717
(SCREAMING)
Randi, no.
472
00:28:19,264 --> 00:28:22,199
IAN: Randi? Randi.
473
00:28:32,243 --> 00:28:33,403
Randi?
474
00:28:33,478 --> 00:28:34,740
(GRUNTS)
475
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:36,138
Lan.
476
00:28:40,318 --> 00:28:43,515
Oh, Randi. I'm so glad
you're all right.
477
00:28:44,055 --> 00:28:45,113
I thought you...
478
00:28:45,190 --> 00:28:46,452
Yeah.
479
00:28:46,524 --> 00:28:48,424
Now do you believe me?
480
00:28:49,928 --> 00:28:51,418
Camille.
481
00:28:51,496 --> 00:28:52,554
What?
482
00:28:52,630 --> 00:28:53,961
Her cough.
483
00:28:54,199 --> 00:28:57,134
The courtesan in Camille
died of consumption.
484
00:28:57,836 --> 00:29:01,795
Oh, my God.
Those books are haunted.
485
00:29:02,474 --> 00:29:03,668
Oh, really.
486
00:29:04,175 --> 00:29:05,904
The delivery man.
487
00:29:06,144 --> 00:29:07,270
What?
488
00:29:07,746 --> 00:29:09,907
We have to find out where
the delivery man was going.
489
00:29:09,981 --> 00:29:11,039
What delivery man?
490
00:29:11,116 --> 00:29:13,983
He was leaving the store when
we arrived, with boxes of books.
491
00:29:14,052 --> 00:29:15,485
We have to find out
where he was taking them.
492
00:29:15,553 --> 00:29:16,918
Yes.
Hurry!
493
00:29:22,627 --> 00:29:25,790
Hello? Ganza?
494
00:29:27,532 --> 00:29:29,227
I demand a refund.
495
00:29:30,068 --> 00:29:33,526
The ending of Anna Karenina
just didn't blow me away.
496
00:29:35,073 --> 00:29:36,597
What a shame.
497
00:29:38,576 --> 00:29:44,344
Most people find
the climax devastating.
498
00:29:45,483 --> 00:29:46,973
Perhaps
you'd like another?
499
00:29:47,051 --> 00:29:48,109
I'll pass.
500
00:29:48,186 --> 00:29:50,381
How could you sell these
haunted books to people?
501
00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:51,888
I thought you
loved books.
502
00:29:51,956 --> 00:29:53,150
Love?
503
00:29:54,392 --> 00:29:56,189
It's more than love.
504
00:29:57,428 --> 00:30:01,023
I cherish literature,
505
00:30:01,099 --> 00:30:03,863
and I'll do anything
I can to protect it.
506
00:30:04,536 --> 00:30:09,735
But how can I stand up against
the multinational bookstore chains,
507
00:30:11,910 --> 00:30:14,435
the mass market
paperbacks?
508
00:30:15,580 --> 00:30:18,310
Harlequin romances,
509
00:30:19,184 --> 00:30:23,746
or movie novelizations?
510
00:30:25,690 --> 00:30:31,560
But your books, they weren't
always haunted, were they?
511
00:30:32,730 --> 00:30:35,130
I was on a book
hunting expedition.
512
00:30:36,434 --> 00:30:40,370
I stumbled across this
tiny farmhouse in Scotland.
513
00:30:42,407 --> 00:30:45,467
The book had been in the
family for generations.
514
00:30:46,444 --> 00:30:48,412
Curiosity piece, really.
515
00:30:49,948 --> 00:30:52,644
The Compendium of Alchemy.
516
00:30:53,318 --> 00:30:56,913
Good man!
What a marvelous find!
517
00:30:56,988 --> 00:30:58,046
Lan.
518
00:30:58,656 --> 00:31:04,117
The most extraordinary example
of ethno-biocentric morphogenesis.
519
00:31:05,296 --> 00:31:07,764
Oh, I studied it
for years.
520
00:31:07,832 --> 00:31:10,300
I am so jealous.
521
00:31:10,368 --> 00:31:11,392
Lan!
522
00:31:11,469 --> 00:31:13,437
It's a mythologist's
dream. A career.
523
00:31:13,504 --> 00:31:15,768
I could write a dozen
books on it alone.
524
00:31:16,708 --> 00:31:18,972
Do you realize what an
incredible find this is?
525
00:31:19,043 --> 00:31:21,534
Do you realize
what a lunatic he is?
526
00:31:21,613 --> 00:31:23,843
Who knows what spells
could be in it?
527
00:31:23,915 --> 00:31:25,314
What cures?
528
00:31:25,783 --> 00:31:26,943
Cures?
529
00:31:27,018 --> 00:31:31,717
I knew I'd find my answer
in those words. And I did.
530
00:31:33,091 --> 00:31:35,787
I cast a spell,
531
00:31:35,860 --> 00:31:40,160
and now my books
can protect themselves.
532
00:31:43,034 --> 00:31:48,301
So you sent your foul books
to publishers? To customers?
533
00:31:48,373 --> 00:31:50,898
To the House of Commons.
534
00:31:50,975 --> 00:31:52,840
IAN: The House of Commons?
535
00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:55,573
They passed the laws that
allowed American conglomerates
536
00:31:55,647 --> 00:31:57,512
to swallow up
British publishers,
537
00:31:57,582 --> 00:32:01,541
to trample on small booksellers
under an army of franchises.
538
00:32:02,420 --> 00:32:07,323
By nightfall,
they will pay!
539
00:32:08,393 --> 00:32:09,690
Dearly!
540
00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:11,353
No, they won't.
541
00:32:11,863 --> 00:32:15,629
Because we're gonna stop that
shipment before it gets there.
542
00:32:15,700 --> 00:32:18,134
I think not.
543
00:32:27,345 --> 00:32:28,710
(CYCLOPS GROWLING)
544
00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:30,077
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
545
00:32:30,381 --> 00:32:31,370
RANDl: What is it?
546
00:32:31,449 --> 00:32:33,576
It's a Cyclops,
Randi!
547
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:37,019
(GRUNTING)
548
00:32:39,223 --> 00:32:40,315
Lan.
549
00:32:40,525 --> 00:32:41,617
(GRUNTS)
550
00:32:41,693 --> 00:32:42,955
(SCREAMS)
551
00:32:44,662 --> 00:32:45,890
(EXCLAIMING)
552
00:32:45,964 --> 00:32:47,329
(GROWLING)
553
00:32:49,267 --> 00:32:50,666
(SCREAMING)
554
00:32:56,941 --> 00:32:58,374
(EXCLAIMING)
555
00:33:00,345 --> 00:33:01,676
(GRUNTING)
556
00:33:04,949 --> 00:33:06,348
(EXCLAIMING)
557
00:33:19,097 --> 00:33:20,621
(GROWLING)
558
00:33:29,540 --> 00:33:30,905
(GROANING)
559
00:33:46,924 --> 00:33:48,915
The only way to find out
where the delivery truck is,
560
00:33:48,993 --> 00:33:50,483
is to plot all
the different routes
561
00:33:50,561 --> 00:33:52,654
between the bookshop
and the House of Commons.
562
00:33:52,730 --> 00:33:55,597
Assuming, of course, the
delivery hasn't been made already.
563
00:33:55,666 --> 00:33:59,124
Or we could just call the
delivery company and ask them.
564
00:33:59,404 --> 00:34:00,996
Oh, yes, right.
565
00:34:01,072 --> 00:34:02,562
We could just call
them up and say,
566
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:05,336
"Hello, we're trying to stop
a delivery of haunted books.
567
00:34:05,410 --> 00:34:06,707
"Could you help us?"
568
00:34:06,778 --> 00:34:09,372
I swiped the receipt
off Ganza's desk.
569
00:34:09,981 --> 00:34:13,382
The truck number is 22, the
driver's name is Hubert Phipps.
570
00:34:13,451 --> 00:34:16,352
Oh, Hubert Phipps. Why
didn't you say so earlier?
571
00:34:16,421 --> 00:34:17,888
This makes the job
so much easier.
572
00:34:17,955 --> 00:34:20,583
(SIGHING) Obviously, you
don't watch enough television.
573
00:34:21,192 --> 00:34:24,389
You mean he's a delivery
man and a television star?
574
00:34:24,862 --> 00:34:27,330
I mean, all we need
is a little chutzpah.
575
00:34:27,398 --> 00:34:31,164
You know, like
Jim Rockford or Kojak.
576
00:34:31,235 --> 00:34:32,827
Or Lucy Ricardo.
577
00:34:33,171 --> 00:34:36,197
We have the truck number,
and we have the driver's name,
578
00:34:36,274 --> 00:34:40,335
so all we need is
a little imagination.
579
00:34:40,411 --> 00:34:42,572
Randi, this is real life.
580
00:34:43,214 --> 00:34:46,274
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Hello,
is Hubie Phipps there, please?
581
00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:47,976
Hubie?
582
00:34:48,052 --> 00:34:49,280
WOMAN: Can you tell me
who's speaking, please?
583
00:34:49,353 --> 00:34:51,548
Yes, this is Mrs. Phipps.
584
00:34:52,190 --> 00:34:54,624
Assuming the delivery truck
was traveling 40 miles an hour,
585
00:34:54,692 --> 00:34:56,819
and left the bookshop
30 minutes ago.
586
00:34:56,894 --> 00:34:59,590
Oh, he's on
a delivery? Hmm.
587
00:34:59,664 --> 00:35:01,256
Could you
patch me in to him?
588
00:35:01,332 --> 00:35:03,596
This isn't going
to work, Randi.
589
00:35:03,668 --> 00:35:06,569
Now, taking into account the
rush hour traffic problems...
590
00:35:06,637 --> 00:35:07,695
HUBERT: Hello?
591
00:35:07,772 --> 00:35:13,108
Hello, Hubie, darling?
I want you so much.
592
00:35:14,445 --> 00:35:15,844
We're dead.
593
00:35:28,759 --> 00:35:30,021
(LAUGHS)
594
00:35:30,094 --> 00:35:32,358
I told you the delivery company
would believe I was his wife.
595
00:35:32,430 --> 00:35:33,727
I told you they'd
patch me on to him.
596
00:35:33,798 --> 00:35:36,232
Well, what if he wasn't married?
What if he wasn't in the mood?
597
00:35:36,300 --> 00:35:41,465
Oh, come on. What man would deny the
urgent plea of a hot-blooded female
598
00:35:41,539 --> 00:35:45,066
to meet at a classy hotel
and make mad, passionate love?
599
00:35:46,110 --> 00:35:48,271
(SNICKERING)
Okay, maybe one.
600
00:35:52,650 --> 00:35:54,083
Uh-oh, no keys.
601
00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:58,418
No problem. It's just a good thing he had
one more stop before the House of Commons.
602
00:35:58,489 --> 00:36:01,322
What are you complaining
about? It worked, didn't it?
603
00:36:01,392 --> 00:36:02,620
Hey, where'd you
learn to do that?
604
00:36:02,693 --> 00:36:04,126
You don't have a career
criminal for a brother
605
00:36:04,195 --> 00:36:06,163
without learning a few
tricks of the trade.
606
00:36:06,230 --> 00:36:07,891
(ENGINE STARTING)
607
00:36:10,301 --> 00:36:15,068
Like jimmying a lock, picking
a pocket, snatching a purse.
608
00:36:21,412 --> 00:36:25,109
RANDl: It's a shame that one of
those tricks wasn't truck driving.
609
00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:28,118
It's just a big car.
I'll get the hang of it.
610
00:36:28,653 --> 00:36:32,783
Just get the hang of it before you
wrap us around a telephone pole!
611
00:36:32,857 --> 00:36:34,518
(CARS HONKING)
612
00:36:35,293 --> 00:36:37,420
First we find the wondrous
Compendium of Alchemy
613
00:36:37,495 --> 00:36:39,588
and take the curse
off the bookstore,
614
00:36:39,664 --> 00:36:41,757
then we take
the curse off you.
615
00:36:41,832 --> 00:36:44,733
I'll be free.
A normal woman.
616
00:36:44,802 --> 00:36:47,498
We can start anew.
Together.
617
00:36:47,572 --> 00:36:50,905
RANDl: Like normal people? Like
it should have been to begin with?
618
00:36:50,975 --> 00:36:52,374
IAN: Exactly.
619
00:36:52,443 --> 00:36:55,935
I'd like that. You never
got to know the real me.
620
00:37:00,851 --> 00:37:05,345
Imagine, no more secret life.
I won't be a savage beast.
621
00:37:05,923 --> 00:37:09,689
You won't have to hide me in
the cellar, put me in chains,
622
00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:14,857
find me in the morning,
hungry, sweaty, naked.
623
00:37:17,134 --> 00:37:18,396
Look out.
624
00:37:18,469 --> 00:37:20,164
(TIRES SCREECHING)
625
00:37:23,941 --> 00:37:25,101
(EXHALES)
626
00:37:25,176 --> 00:37:29,670
Perhaps we should start
again, one step at a time.
627
00:37:30,514 --> 00:37:33,381
If you don't kill us first.
628
00:37:33,451 --> 00:37:36,477
At least it'll be me, and
not some vicious hardcover.
629
00:37:37,421 --> 00:37:38,513
RANDl: True.
630
00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:10,754
(BOTH EXHALING)
631
00:38:10,821 --> 00:38:12,379
This is so exciting.
632
00:38:12,456 --> 00:38:15,186
I mean, I haven't been this
apprehensive about anything since...
633
00:38:15,259 --> 00:38:16,920
Since my first kiss.
634
00:38:16,994 --> 00:38:19,019
Exorcising the books
should be easy.
635
00:38:19,096 --> 00:38:22,122
All we have to do is find the
right passage in the Compendium
636
00:38:22,199 --> 00:38:23,598
and read it aloud.
637
00:38:23,668 --> 00:38:25,761
I'm not talking
about that.
638
00:38:25,836 --> 00:38:28,896
I'm talking about getting rid
of this monster that's inside me.
639
00:38:36,380 --> 00:38:38,848
You'll be the same
woman you were before.
640
00:38:39,250 --> 00:38:41,081
I don't think
that's possible.
641
00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:42,983
I'm changed for life.
642
00:38:47,491 --> 00:38:48,753
The books!
643
00:38:48,826 --> 00:38:50,657
You don't think...
644
00:38:50,728 --> 00:38:52,286
Let's not panic.
645
00:38:52,363 --> 00:38:53,421
Oh!
646
00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:55,260
Let's not panic!
647
00:38:56,934 --> 00:39:00,802
The boxes are probably two
or three streets away, intact.
648
00:39:01,205 --> 00:39:03,036
There is nothing
to worry about.
649
00:39:03,107 --> 00:39:04,540
(MEN SHOUTING)
650
00:39:08,846 --> 00:39:10,245
(WHIMPERS)
651
00:39:11,182 --> 00:39:12,581
(SCREAMING)
652
00:39:16,287 --> 00:39:17,652
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
653
00:39:18,389 --> 00:39:19,947
MAN: Halt!
654
00:39:20,024 --> 00:39:21,855
On the other hand...
655
00:39:22,493 --> 00:39:24,688
Take aim. Fire!
Oh, God!
656
00:39:28,799 --> 00:39:30,198
(PANTING)
657
00:39:31,736 --> 00:39:32,794
Okay, so I was wrong.
658
00:39:32,870 --> 00:39:33,928
Now what?
659
00:39:34,004 --> 00:39:35,631
We find the
Compendium, fast!
660
00:39:35,706 --> 00:39:37,936
It could be anywhere. It'll
take us months to find it.
661
00:39:38,008 --> 00:39:39,908
Well, think positive.
662
00:39:39,977 --> 00:39:41,376
I'm trying!
663
00:39:45,483 --> 00:39:46,745
(GRUNTS)
664
00:39:49,887 --> 00:39:51,980
You don't make
it very easy.
665
00:39:55,826 --> 00:39:57,123
(SCREAMS)
666
00:39:57,661 --> 00:40:00,186
Lan, is that you
under there?
667
00:40:04,802 --> 00:40:09,967
Your tongue is sharp, Valvert, but
surely it is not as sharp as my sword.
668
00:40:10,775 --> 00:40:16,008
Think. You're lan Matheson,
not Cyrano de Bergerac.
669
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,981
Defend yourself or die!
670
00:40:24,455 --> 00:40:25,752
(PANTING)
671
00:40:26,724 --> 00:40:29,420
Matches! I gotta
find some matches.
672
00:40:29,493 --> 00:40:30,721
(GROANS)
673
00:40:37,668 --> 00:40:38,726
Ow!
674
00:40:42,039 --> 00:40:43,904
A-ha! Match...
675
00:40:44,675 --> 00:40:47,200
Dear Sheriff,
have you lost your way?
676
00:40:48,412 --> 00:40:50,972
A cordial welcome
to Sherwood Forest.
677
00:40:52,516 --> 00:40:53,574
(YELPS)
678
00:40:58,923 --> 00:41:00,288
(EXCLAIMS)
679
00:41:07,565 --> 00:41:11,558
Groveling? Is that any way for the
Sheriff of Nottingham to behave?
680
00:41:11,635 --> 00:41:16,436
I am not the Sheriff of
Nottingham, I am Randi Wallace.
681
00:41:16,507 --> 00:41:17,838
Surely you jest.
682
00:41:19,910 --> 00:41:21,104
En garde!
683
00:41:21,178 --> 00:41:22,645
(GRUNTING)
684
00:41:22,713 --> 00:41:24,078
(LAUGHING)
685
00:41:27,284 --> 00:41:28,842
(MEN SHOUTING)
686
00:41:39,964 --> 00:41:41,295
(SCREAMS)
687
00:41:48,339 --> 00:41:50,671
You're taking all the sport
out of this, Sheriff.
688
00:41:53,244 --> 00:41:54,939
(EXCLAIMS)
No, no.
689
00:41:55,546 --> 00:41:57,173
(LAUGHING)
690
00:41:57,615 --> 00:41:58,912
(GROANS)
691
00:42:02,486 --> 00:42:04,545
(PANTING)
692
00:42:08,826 --> 00:42:11,090
Oh, God, no.
693
00:42:39,523 --> 00:42:40,785
(GASPING)
694
00:42:40,858 --> 00:42:43,850
Randi? Randi!
695
00:42:45,930 --> 00:42:49,923
Randi? Randi.
Lan? Lan?
696
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:52,127
Randi? Randi. Compendium, Compendium...
697
00:42:52,202 --> 00:42:53,601
We've got to go!
No!
698
00:42:53,671 --> 00:42:54,933
The Compendium,
we've gotta find it.
699
00:42:55,005 --> 00:42:57,530
Forget the book! The
place is burning down!
700
00:42:57,608 --> 00:42:58,632
I can't!
701
00:42:58,709 --> 00:43:00,142
Come on, you're going
to burn to death!
702
00:43:00,210 --> 00:43:01,734
No, let me go!
703
00:43:05,082 --> 00:43:06,572
(COUGHING)
704
00:43:10,387 --> 00:43:12,116
There goes my cure.
705
00:43:12,189 --> 00:43:14,680
You got out alive,
that's what counts.
706
00:43:14,758 --> 00:43:16,089
(COUGHING)
707
00:43:16,894 --> 00:43:23,094
I had such hopes. For a few
moments, I thought I'd be free.
708
00:43:24,401 --> 00:43:28,667
Believe, Randi.
Believe and it'll happen.
709
00:43:28,739 --> 00:43:30,502
I promise you that.
710
00:43:40,084 --> 00:43:41,608
"But in applying
the principles of Lacan,
711
00:43:41,685 --> 00:43:44,153
"we must deconstruct
the image of the Mephisto,
712
00:43:44,221 --> 00:43:50,717
"learn to see it as a universal
signifier in a hermeneutic system,
713
00:43:51,295 --> 00:43:54,458
"rather than as a specific
representation of..."
714
00:44:04,274 --> 00:44:09,735
"As his razor-sharp fangs pierced her
milky white neck, she felt no pain.
715
00:44:09,813 --> 00:44:12,543
"Instead, there was a warmth,
and then a rush of pleasure,
716
00:44:12,616 --> 00:44:14,379
"stronger than
the waves that crashed..."
717
00:44:14,451 --> 00:44:15,816
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
718
00:44:22,426 --> 00:44:26,123
"A set of signs in which, and of itself,
signifies no more than its own..."
719
00:44:26,196 --> 00:44:30,257
"... purposely baroque and
ultimately meaningless iconography."
720
00:44:34,004 --> 00:44:36,598
I couldn't have
said it better myself.
721
00:44:36,874 --> 00:44:38,432
Thank you!
722
00:44:38,509 --> 00:44:42,138
I was so wrapped up in your
manuscript, I didn't hear you come in.
723
00:44:42,212 --> 00:44:43,770
It's a crime
it won't get published.
724
00:44:43,847 --> 00:44:47,476
Well, you're looking at England's
number one crime-stopper.
725
00:44:47,885 --> 00:44:49,853
The paperback should
be out before Christmas,
726
00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:52,252
and it'll make a great
little stocking filler.
727
00:44:52,322 --> 00:44:53,914
That's wonderful.
728
00:44:57,361 --> 00:45:00,819
Put away the manuscript. We
have some celebrating to do.
729
00:45:02,232 --> 00:45:05,167
You got this much
for that book?
730
00:45:05,436 --> 00:45:07,870
A canny publisher
knows what sells.
731
00:45:08,439 --> 00:45:11,636
Wait a minute here,
what is this?
732
00:45:11,709 --> 00:45:16,874
Satan's Sex Slaves: The Story of
One Woman's Descent Into Perversion?
733
00:45:17,514 --> 00:45:19,038
Well, the publisher
agreed with us.
734
00:45:19,116 --> 00:45:22,279
The book needs some
punching up, and a new title.
735
00:45:22,953 --> 00:45:24,420
Us?
Yes.
736
00:45:24,488 --> 00:45:26,683
Haven't I introduced you
to my co-writer?
737
00:45:29,293 --> 00:45:31,022
How's this?
738
00:45:31,095 --> 00:45:33,723
"Her pulsating breasts heaved
739
00:45:33,797 --> 00:45:37,597
"as the Devil's scaly claws
tore off her lacy bra?"
740
00:45:38,001 --> 00:45:41,266
Fabulous, Aunt Elsa. We'll set
the literary world on its ear.
741
00:45:43,507 --> 00:45:47,910
"'T ake me now, O Lord of
Darkness. Take me now,' she cried."
742
00:45:47,978 --> 00:45:49,036
That's it!
743
00:45:49,113 --> 00:45:50,910
(BOTH LAUGHING)
744
00:45:50,981 --> 00:45:54,178
Well, if you can't
beat 'em, join 'em.
745
00:45:54,251 --> 00:45:55,377
(WHOOPS)
746
00:45:55,452 --> 00:45:56,646
There you go.
747
00:46:02,926 --> 00:46:04,553
Well, then...
748
00:46:04,628 --> 00:46:06,357
Cheers.
Cheers.
749
00:46:09,357 --> 00:46:13,357
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